In talking to MANY, many women who's husbands suffer from pornography addiction I find myself SO frustrated. What saddens me is the fact that our precious young LDS women are marrying men who bring this addiction to the marriage and they aren't given a head's up and offered the CHOICE of whether to proceed with the marriage, at the time of engagement. If these young men were given more help at the beginning, they wouldn't proceed to the later levels where they leave the videos and computers and act out with real women. Because by then it is usually too late for a marriage to be saved. And maybe not because the wife won't forgive, but because the men don't want the wife anymore. I had an e-mail this week from a wonderful young woman that just crushed me. Her 12 year temple marriage failed because of her husband's pornography addiction and his unwillingness to repent and save his marriage. Something needs to change.
My point to this is that mothers and wives need to be more proactive. I do believe that most mothers probably don't have the ability to handle a son's (or daughter's) confession to pornography. And that is why I highly recommend the book by Gerald Curtis; The Worth of Every Soul. Reading this book gave me so much compassion and insight into the feelings of just one man suffering from this affliction. And they do suffer. I totally believe that. I am angry about many aspects of this terrible problem, but I am not one bit angry at those who view pornography and wish they could stop. My heart goes out to them.
In all the reading I've done and all the women I've talked to, and all the experts I've listened to, pornography almost always starts before a man gets married. They have the mistaken idea that once they can have actual sex, their problem will go away. We need to counsel our daughters to just ASK their fiances if they do porn. But girls are just thinking about the wedding dress and not this monster of a problem lurking in their future. So now they are married. And they still don't ask because it is just so far from a possibility. But pretty soon the husband starts wanting to do kinky stuff or they stop wanting to have sex at all. Or she sees something on the computer. So THEN she asks. I'm suggesting, ask SOONER. Don't be so trusting and naive. We ARE living on the most wicked planet ever before created. That ALMOST makes me want to say: they aren't to blame. Wives, just suffer through and let it work out in the next phase. I'm just saying.
So solutions. Well, mothers/wives, steal yourselves for the possibility. Read on the subject and develop compassion and understanding. Install a surveillance system on your computer. Buy Dr. Kevin B. Skinner's book and 5 Cd's entitled Treating Pornography Addiction. Also purchase these 6 Cd's; Strengthening Recovery Through Strengthening Marriage. Encourage anyone you know who is struggling with this to seek counseling and attend a 12-step program sponsored by the church.
A change in solving this epidemic needs to happen. Be a part of that change.
4 comments:
Hard sad stuff we must all deal with because even if you don't have a husband or son thats involved in this it spills over into everyones life one way or another. It is everyones problem and we will all have to be doing our part to stop it. I get feeling just overwhelmed at this epedimic. Perhaps one of the tools of the adversary is to get us in a complete state of hopelessness. I have to belieive that the atonement can heal anything. Keep up the fight!
I totally disagree. Many men and women can enjoy this, without it becoming an addiction and be christians. You are living a sheltered life if you think otherwise. You also do NOT have a right 2 know how what your adult child is talking about to a Bishop or any other religious concil. If your child doesn't feel comfortable confiding in you, withyout your prying behind their back. You need to look at that. NOT some witch hunt.
As the husband to the author of this blog, I find anonymous comment to be yet another manifestation of the blight of pornography as a new and improved evil of our day. While a couple may innocently use certain aids to stimulate their sexuality, it is the separate and individual ventures that reaches out with tentacles to create the addiction. As Sidney says, it creates such a feeling of hopelessness that acting out with denial and/or anger is a natural reaction for many. I agree with Anonymous that a parent/spouse does not have the RIGHT to know confidences but rather a need to strengthen the afflicted and to mourn with them that mourn. It was hardly a witch hunt when Christ said "when thou are converted, strengthen thy brethern." Living a Christ-like life is not easy and therein lies the need to fight for those we love with open arms of forgiveness and compassion while understanding that rationalization is just a less painful path to the devastation known as addiction. The vile addiction flourishes when those who can help fail to engage and rather choose to live sheltered lives of denial and naivety.
Sorry Anonymous I have too disagree. I have been privy to too many accounts of ruined marriages, lost professions at the very least and at the worst the story of a Father who now sits in jail after raping his daughter. Theodore Bundy a well known executed murder says that he started out with porn and every thing grew from that point on. His exeperiece is more the norm. People don't just stop it only escalates.Obviously what we have been doing in the past is not working since this problem is growing at an alarming rate. This isn't a religious or even a moral debate anymore. In fact I would personally like to get it out of that context and treat it like all the other addictions. Its escalation of addiction is growing because of people like your self that just are naive to the damage that it leaves in its wake. Scientific physical evidence bares out otherwise. Pornography actually changes the brain like a drug does. Like any addiction there are some who are not as greatly affected but do not delude yourself by thinking it is harmless. By all means do not take our word for it. I think that is the point of this blog. Everyone needs to be better informed. Google it and read for yourself the published data on this. When you have I would be interested in hearing if you still think it's harmless. I wish you the best dear friend but you are playing with fire and it always has consequences.
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